days in the life

neature

Psalm 145:5
On the glorious splendor or your majesty, and on your wondrous works, i will meditate. 

Psalm 96:11-12
Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it; let the field exult, and everything in it! Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy.

i have gained such a love for nature and all it entails. the hills, the waters, the mountains, the flowers, the animals, the horizons, the shorelines. i can’t get over the fact that the God of the universe created all that we see and not only did he create these things but he made them beautiful and filled with splendor. 

i can’t get enough of exploring the details of his creation. 

bad egg

being close friends with  the opposite sex can get sticky. 

i’ve been friends with BE for almost four years (starting in july of 2009). at the beginning of our friendship there was this general understanding that noting more but friends would come out of us. of course, i adored him and wanted him to see me as more than just friends even if we couldn’t cross the friend zone. after about 5-7 months of us being friends he ended up getting into a serious relationship.

this was the first time our friendship took a shift in the way it functioned . prior to him starting this relationship we were incredibly close, always talking and if we weren’t there were expectations as to when we would hear from the other next. with his relationship there was less time for me but through it, we still took time to maintain a lot of the closeness our friendship held. i remember there were times when i would get incredibly jealous, especially when i wouldn’t hear from him because he was with her. over all i supported their relationship and saw the potential of their future. this relationship lasted for less than a year but took a toll on BE emotionally after it ended. 

through out our friendship there have been seasons for both of us that have caused stress and weight on our relationship but we never failed, by God’s graces, to see it through. 

i ended up going through two phases (that one mentioned before being the first) and then another in the fall of 2011 where my feelings towards him were more than just friendly. the second time we addressed it and he had similar feelings but he/we decided we shouldn’t act on them and should continue the route we were on. 

through out these past 2.5 years i have dated but have always helped to maintain our friendship even if at different capacities then what we were used to.    

now fast forward to fall of 2012. i had been in a “serious” relationship since march of that year and was dealing with a lot of emotional stress and intimate relational lessons. i was in the process of ending that relationship and was dealing not only with BE emotionally but a third male. i was in a whirlwind of affliction. i evaluated and prayed about mine and BE’s friendship and had decided that we either needed to pursue an intimate relationship or take a break from our friendship. this sounds dramatic, i know, but i had discovered through this time that i was too emotionally attached to him to continue at the pace we were. 

we discussed the idea of dating and for maybe a week decided that we were going to pursue the idea and then ultimately decided that i was doing it for the wrong reason. 

our friendship since then has not been the same and he is currently dating someone that he really enjoys. it makes me so happy that he is with someone who brings him joy because hes wanted to date for some time.

i know God has purposed all that we’ve gone through and are going through now but i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have some desire for it be like it was. our “friendship” just worked. we are vastly different in some ways and our relationship for the most part was effortless. i’ve never been so close to someone in my life. he knew everything, all the ins and outs of my day and emotions. pictures all the time to make our stories more realistic. talking every day, most days for more than 2 hours, and usually never tired of the other. he’d get the call when i was being a baby about something or needed to laugh with someone immediately. 

every day that goes by helps me to gradually accept that our friendship wasn’t healthy nor will it ever be where it was. 

i know in the past couple of months or seven months, i’ve put him through talks that weren’t fun or by any means his choice and that he’s lost patience for me. it beaks my heart to know that i’ve caused him to feel some of the emotions he has. i selfishly wish that our friendship didn’t have to change under these circumstances but also understand that it’s the way it is for a reason. 

my heart will always hold love and a grand amount of respect for him. 

tasks to accomplish while being 22

• reading. i want to leisurely read. some of the titles i’d like do dive into include: The Explicit Gospel, A Grief Observed, Systematic Theology, The Good House by Ann Leary, A Tree Grows In Brooklyn by Betty Smith)
• spend copious amounts of time outdoors. i use copious, because i want to spend an insane amount of time outdoors. i want to hike and swim and kayak and whatever just be outdoors.
• run. i want to run and not stop. i’m praying for a healthy body and the desire to want to keep going. also, trying to schedule a marathon in chicago in September. 
• find a new job. i think it’s time. publicly saying this says a lot to the severity of this area of my life. i think within this year it will definitely be time to pursue elsewhere. 
• there are two weddings this year. i want to spend time with the people i love like i’ve never done before. to enjoy their company and to live intentionally with them. 
• i want to take the GRE and prepare for it accordingly. 
• i want to travel. hawaii, oklahoma, chicago and north carolina are on the list already but i’d like to see some smaller trips too. my home state is beautiful and i want to give it the appreciation it deserves. 
• learn. i want to take this year and all the years after this one to learn and to continue to soak in all of the knowledge i can and then gain an understanding of how to apply it according to the Word.